It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes. – Sally Field
Article written by BridgeMaker contributor Ali Hale. Please visit her at Aliventures.com.
I wasn't a very confident child or teen. My family moved house when I was ten years old, and I didn't make new friends easily. I was overweight, wore glasses and had a "posh" accent, both of which made me a target for school bullies. Yes, it all seems a bit silly now – but I remember how much it mattered at the time.
If you read my blogs or even meet me, you probably wouldn't think I lack confidence. But you're seeing what's on the surface. Like many people, I'm still struggling to throw off some false beliefs that got lodged in my head during my adolescence – and I expect that this is the case for most of us who struggle with self-confidence.
Three big false beliefs for me were – and in some ways still are – these:
- I'm not attractive
- I'm useless at practical things
- I don't have enough experience
I'm Not Attractive
I was overweight during my teens, and almost invariably wore baggy t-shirts, sweaters and sports trousers in an attempt to hide my figure. I wasn't hideously obese or anything – but it wasn't just the "puppy fat" which my parents thought would vanish.
Teenagers being what they are, I ended up feeling unattractive. I didn't see the point in making any effort to change my appearance.
How it Changed…
When I got towards the end of school, something "clicked" and I decided I wanted to lose weight – initially for health's sake, rather than to look better. I lost around 30lbs and went off to university feeling much more confident in my own skin.
What I'm Still Working On
I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) a couple of years ago, which finally explained some symptoms which I have – like a tendency to put on weight around my middle, and a fairly high amount of body hair. Both still bother me, and I'm working on accepting the fact that my fiancĆ© couldn't care less!
I'm Useless at Practical Things
I've never been particularly good with my hands. I'm fairly unco-ordinated (and bad at most sports) and I'm generally clueless when it comes to fixing anything around the house! I was always good at academic subjects like English and Maths at school and awful at metalwork, woodwork and so on.
I also have a tendency to be lazy: I hate to struggle with things which I'm not good at, and prefer to give up.
How it Changed…
When I left home and went off to university, like many young adults, I found myself learning about a lot of things like cooking and laundry! I became more confident that I could follow basic instructions perfectly well. I even have a photo of the desk I managed to assemble from a flat pack a few years ago (I wanted proof to show my family … )
What I'm Still Working On
I'm slowly getting more confidence with things like minor bike repairs (I'm talking really minor things here, like putting on a new inner tube). I'm getting more used to looking things up on Google where necessary. I'm also – slowly – developing more patience when something goes wrong. Each time I learn something new, I gain a little more confidence in myself.
I Don't Have Enough Experience
As a teen, I wasn't particularly interested in getting a job. A few friends had part-time jobs in shops and so on; I did a bit of babysitting occasionally, but that was all. When I was applying for summer jobs as a student, I was worried that my lack of experience on my resume would mean that no-one would want to employ me.
In fact, I ended up getting the first job that I went for: it was only data entry, but I was proud and surprised that I'd managed to get it – and this was a real boost to my confidence.
How it Changed…
Since then, I've become more able to focus on the experience which I do have. I've found that it's easy to discount some areas (such as my church, where I do all sorts of things from admin work to leading children's groups) because they seem so natural to me.
What I'm Still Working On
I'm a freelancer now, which is very different from applying for corporate jobs: very few people ever care about seeing a resume. However, I'm also trying to break into fiction writing, where I find I can lack confidence – I'm taking an MA in creative writing and have had a few short pieces of fiction published over the past years, though, which has given me more experience and confidence.
I've found, over the years, that I've grown naturally in self-confidence by trying new things, by focusing on the positives – what I can do and what I have done – and by learning to rise above negative voices, whether they're real people in my past, or my own internal critic.
I've still got some way to go (and I suspect most of us do), but being self-confident isn't just about being happier and enjoying myself more … it's also about being empowered to do my best work in the world. I know that it's worth persevering and I hope that, if self-confidence doesn't come easily to you, that you'll find yourself able to do the same.
Ali Hale is a freelance writer from London in the UK, and is currently taking an MA in creative writing. She writes for a number of sites, including her own Aliventures blog which focuses on getting more from life.
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